God Three, Me Zero
How is the Blood-n-Fire thing is going? ... well, it's going :-) . Not the way that I thought it would, but it's going. I used to believe in one-year, three-year, and five-year goals. But the funny thing is that whatever goals that I have been making have simply been side-stepped by things that God seems to have in mind instead. It's funny; it's as if God purposefully puts a goal on my mind and in my heart only to make a mockery of it by causing successes to happen along the perimeters of my goals. Me, I'm just one of the extras in this play :-)
To be more specific, it's like God is using me to carry out his purposes though his purposes are not the same thing as the goals that he seems to be putting in my mind and in my heart. It makes me laugh. I can't deny that where I am and what I am doing is playing an integral part in what God's plan is. However what is happening, is nothing I can take pride in because it wasn't my intention :-) ,,, I think that is a good thing ! And God is amazing me and amusing me with it.
When I thought that God wanted me to live at Blood-n-Fire so my needs would be provided for and I could spend more time serving the needs of others as He saw fit, his answer was "Yes I'm going to take care of your needs but not with the ends that you think I'm going to do it." And here I am living in a place where I only pay a hundred and eighty dollars a month in rent and utilities, and even that is optional. There's a long incredible story of how I even got here, but I'll post that another time.
Because He takes care of my needs, I'm able to spend a large amount of time meditating on what God wants for my life, volunteering at Blood-n-Fire, meeting people and encouraging people who I am amazed are dropping into the path of my life on an almost daily basis, and sharing my faith (what God is doing with me) with dozens of people.
Here is another example of God "making a mockery" (in a good way) of what my goals are in juxtiposition to what His goals are. When I thought that God wanted me to help out with the food ministry at Blood-n-Fire (Sobre Le Mesa) I volunteered to put together a Communications Manual and to assist in organizing the efforts of three key people that were involved with making contacts and organizing resources for the program.
Well, wouldn't you know that I've spent over six hours on the Communications Manual itself and some of the resources that I've found, then another several hours talking with folks or trying to meet with folks that are involved in this area. The only progress that I've made in this goal is a partially completed Communications Manual, and to successfully be pointed at one person as my contact for the project, then another, then another, and then back to the first person :-) ...
And what has God been doing with this? ... well, by keeping me in one place and focussed on a task which I don't think He has any intention on my completing God has indirectly put me in the path of others who I have been able to help with other talents that God has given me, allowed me to meet others that have been a great encouragement to me as well as they have shared their faith with me, and I've also been able to directly or indirectly provide work to a handful of men in one of the Blood-n-Fire programs.
God three, me zero. And I think that is the way it should be. There isn't a dag'blame thing that I can take credit for. And it feels great because I know that God is using me despite the pride in me that would say that 'I' can do something.
To be more specific, it's like God is using me to carry out his purposes though his purposes are not the same thing as the goals that he seems to be putting in my mind and in my heart. It makes me laugh. I can't deny that where I am and what I am doing is playing an integral part in what God's plan is. However what is happening, is nothing I can take pride in because it wasn't my intention :-) ,,, I think that is a good thing ! And God is amazing me and amusing me with it.
When I thought that God wanted me to live at Blood-n-Fire so my needs would be provided for and I could spend more time serving the needs of others as He saw fit, his answer was "Yes I'm going to take care of your needs but not with the ends that you think I'm going to do it." And here I am living in a place where I only pay a hundred and eighty dollars a month in rent and utilities, and even that is optional. There's a long incredible story of how I even got here, but I'll post that another time.
Because He takes care of my needs, I'm able to spend a large amount of time meditating on what God wants for my life, volunteering at Blood-n-Fire, meeting people and encouraging people who I am amazed are dropping into the path of my life on an almost daily basis, and sharing my faith (what God is doing with me) with dozens of people.
Here is another example of God "making a mockery" (in a good way) of what my goals are in juxtiposition to what His goals are. When I thought that God wanted me to help out with the food ministry at Blood-n-Fire (Sobre Le Mesa) I volunteered to put together a Communications Manual and to assist in organizing the efforts of three key people that were involved with making contacts and organizing resources for the program.
Well, wouldn't you know that I've spent over six hours on the Communications Manual itself and some of the resources that I've found, then another several hours talking with folks or trying to meet with folks that are involved in this area. The only progress that I've made in this goal is a partially completed Communications Manual, and to successfully be pointed at one person as my contact for the project, then another, then another, and then back to the first person :-) ...
And what has God been doing with this? ... well, by keeping me in one place and focussed on a task which I don't think He has any intention on my completing God has indirectly put me in the path of others who I have been able to help with other talents that God has given me, allowed me to meet others that have been a great encouragement to me as well as they have shared their faith with me, and I've also been able to directly or indirectly provide work to a handful of men in one of the Blood-n-Fire programs.
God three, me zero. And I think that is the way it should be. There isn't a dag'blame thing that I can take credit for. And it feels great because I know that God is using me despite the pride in me that would say that 'I' can do something.
posted by Timothy at 2/15/2005 05:59:00 AM
1 Comments:
First off I appreciate your cander, especially in a semi-public place like this blog here.
Secondly, I haven't posted enough of my journal entries yet for you to see the rough days I've had. I've stolen, lied, worried, mistrusted, I've been tremendously lacking in faith, and a whole slew of other things in my life enough times to know that if God isn't working in me, then I'm not anything to look at (inwardly or outwardly). So whether I would 'want' to be admired is of less consequence than if I 'could' be admired. ... for what I've done in my life? ... if everyone that knew me knew the God awful truth ... I could hardly be admired, and most likely would be looked at in disdain.
Because I am a part of your mailing list, I have seen several of your devotionals and I really appreciate them. And through your own personal reflections I believe I understand you well enough to know that you understand the principals of surrending to God and finding fulfillment in letting him do his work in you, instead of you trying to do his work 'for' him. Our efforts are pointless.
As far as you getting less happy the more that you do, you have to turn to God for why that is for certain. I'm not able to peer into your soul the way our God can, I can only make an experience based guess as to what might be the answer. And that 'guess' would be that though God may be leading you to do things, that the enemy is busy twisting you inwardly. Trying to make you feel as though those 'things' are the goal rather than simply the result of what God has done in you.
We don't do what we do 'because' it feels good to do it. We do what we do because God first did what he did for us. If you motivation isn't a simple response to love, then God is just fine with you sitting there and being a recipient of Love. You don't have to 'do' anything in order to be loved by God.
Eventually however, and this comes sooner for some than it does others, the Holy Spirit will begin to stir within you a desire to serve God out of 'Love'; a response to what he's done for us, 'Not' out of a desire to be happy. For if we do what we do out of a desire to be happy, then it is "Happiness", 'not' "God" that we serve. If the former is the case, then I would spend less time doing, and more time drawing near to God, however way you know you need to. And if you seek him, you 'will' find out exactly how you need to draw near to him (that is if you don't already know). When we earnestly seek God he 'is' faithful and he 'will' draw near to us.
Perhaps you were just being hit particularly hard today though, and needed just a little bit of encouragement. Because I'm sure you know these things as well as I do. Do not be unaware of the schemes of our enemy. As a fellow servant of Christ, our Father isn't just going to let you be a casualty. You will have to fight for it though. Anything worth having is worth that.
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