Confessions of a Gaming Addict

I stared at the monitor for hours on end. I didn't understand why I did. The sounds of the battles captivated me. Yes, the battles were not real. But then that didn't seem to matter. It it aroused in me such a hunger. A hunger that I suppose I could have controlled if I had wanted to. But that was the problem, I didn't want to.

This hunger had stealthily placed itself at a place that circumvented all of the defenses that I would have had if I had known better. I mean, what was I thinking? I was doing something that caused me to ignore my family and friends. It was more important than eating, more important than sleeping at a proper time. It was more important than obeying my parents, considering what God's will was for my life, or pondering anything that would consider eternity as it's central object.

"What's the big deal !" ... I would be agitated at the questions that anyone would pose to me about what I was doing. "Is it bad?" I would challenge all of the 'intruders' who would question that passion that I had to vanquish fictional enemy forces from other worlds. But inside; inside I knew that something was wrong. I wouldn't let anybody 'inside' so they could tell help me get out. That was perhaps the most, if I would have ever considered the word; "demonic" of clues. Whatever had planted itself inside of me had not used stealth, but it was building a camp.  And not only had it built a camp but it was reinforcing it's structures, meeting with other guests that it had invited in and started planning on walls and other methods to reinforce it's position.

If I had only known. I had never really known what was going on, what was happening. Indeed the very objections that were coming out of my mouth were things that I didn't fully understand. In a quiet non-defensive moment when I was asked why I liked these games so much, in truth I would say "I don't know". Because I really didn't know. Were these games really that important? Why couldn't I just stay away from them? Or if I could stay away from them for short amounts of time why was I always coming back. Coming back in the same way I had first come. In a moment that I felt a 'want' a 'desire' to play, considering how harmless that the act of sitting down a playing for a few minutes would seem. But then hours later, had it been hours, realizing that I had done and thought about nothing else but this fictitious world. It's now been ten years since I've played these games. It was hard to stay away from them for that long. And even today I still hear that act calling me; "Just sit down, just for a few moments, it's not a big deal.".

But I remember, I remember the dozens of times that I had given in to that little innocent desire. Nothing good ever came from it.And now what is it like? ... It's oh so much better. My addiction has not gone away; it's just been replaced. And not by something that I put there. But rather but something, or rather some one that I realized had been there the whole time. A gentle whisper, a soft voice. Someone had not paid attention to before. Someone who was just waiting for me to realize how pointless and valueless my actions had been before. There was nothing of value regarding my former way of life. Though it was 'so' "harmless". So ludicrous; I now understand. Jesus is his name. And if God hadn't given me faith I would have no hope. "Pay attention to that faith, to what I had come to understand, as if to a light shining in a dark place." I now 'know' why I do what I do. My thoughts are no longer meaningless. My words and actions are no longer thoughtless. I pray that Christ will become increasingly my addiction; more and more every day.